Experience:Memantine (260 mg, liquid) - I Am Become Music

• Age: 21
• Sex: FtM Trans
• Height: 5’9” / 174 cm
• Weight: 79kg / 175 lb (include both if possible)
• Date: 09/05/2021
• Location: Country / Region

A brief warning from the psychonaut: I do NOT recommend ANYONE take this much memantine, especially if you haven’t tried it before, because I’m pretty sure the only reason I didn’t have a horrid experience (like I’ve seen at some of the Erowid vaults) is because I have been taking this drug as prescribed (40mg daily) for about 8 years. This was my first attempt at using it as a dissociative, but I have a tolerance and blood level that normal people do not. I recommend any newbies to memantine take AT MOST 60mg on their first go, and /be patient./ If I weren’t as bodily prepared as I was, I have a feeling this tale would’ve ended much, much worse. Please use critical thinking when reading this report.

What: memantine 100mg+30mg+30mg+40mg+60mg (total 260mg)

Where: My bedroom/bathroom

Why: to test its dissociative properties for myself

How: crushed pills and mixed with water

T+00:00 (~18:45) 100mg crushed and mixed with water.

T+01:00 (~19:50) +30mg (130mg total) crushed and mixed with water, euphoric just a little but not feeling much.

T+01:45 (~20:30) +30mg (160mg total) crushed and mixed with water, starting to get spacey but not feeling much still.

T+01:48 starting to feel kinda full in the head, like there’s a nice ballon in my face. Getting harder to type right but then again I suck at typing. My head feels floaty and I have a sense of calm and happiness. I like this. The high reminds me of benzos a little but I’m so much more clear-minded comparatively, I kinda feel like I have a painless sinus infection. I feel it in my tongue and nose and eyes. The front of my face is getting heavier, but not downwards like gravity; it’s more outward, like being sucked into the gentlest tiny black hole. I’m very comfy. Going to try to write more of my story.

T+02:01 +40mg (200mg total) crushed and mixed with water; I might regret this later but I wanna get fucked up. I’m feeling mildly agitated but not in a bad way. Just very energetic and raring to go. I want to be higher already

T+2:22 I really just feel like my hands and arms aren’t fully mine but that’s normal for me whenever I’m in any kind of altered state, my ears are ringing slightly more than normal and I have a floaty head but really I’m not feeing much. I kinda wanna take the last 60 but honestly I know I’m still in the come up probably. At this point I’m thinking Benadryl is a way better trip than this even though the body load sucks ass. Probably the only reason this is so underwhelming is that I have been taking 40mg daily for years and years. Do I dare dose again? Let’s fuck around and find out.

T+02:40 +60mg (260mg total) crushed and mixed with water, I feel like a bullet train ready to fuckin go; I’m the perfect mix of calm and up and I just feel so nice, my head is empty but happy and I’m just going with the motion of the ocean, baby. I’m gonna make some music while I’m at it. I feel like I can go all night long.

T+03:00 I feel drunk and light and making music is so fun, but I’m mildly nauseous i think. Or, maybe its just that my soft palate is kinda numb. I’m kinda tired too.

T+03:10 my mouth tastes like tonsil stones and postnasal drip. I can still pee which is great, because I hate how Benadryl makes it so difficult. I’m feeling odd but I don’t hate it. Sitting on the toilet is the most detached I’ve been; I think maybe making music is keeping me from going stupid. Like, I /just/ remembered I was in my house and people are around; I had been in an ocean of phone and floor for a moment. I feel everything in my head, especially the front. When I watch myself type I get the most dissociation but then again that’s cos i have the least amount of connection with my upper limbs even when I’m sober.

T+03:15 time is irrelevant. Only what I am doing in the moment exists. Nothing else. The world is closing in on itself quietly. Shrinking. I’m okay with this. I like it, but suddenly now it’s growing again. I can hear everything. I can hear it all right now. I have to really focus to finish peeing. My everything feels numbish. I look in the mirror and I am strikingly beautiful. Perception is starting to bubble and ebb and flow, I’m gonna listen to some music.

T+03:25 music is kinda flat but my ceiling sure isn’t, 3D multicoloured patterns emerge. The bass in my music feels disjointed, and I’m noticing the subtle underpatterns that are woven into the track. All the little riffs and background vocals are now the stars of the show, and it’s making my music seem really dimensional.

T+03:30 I’m so grateful to be alive, I just watched some beautiful CEVs that pulsed in time with my music; everything is beautiful and I’m so happy. I fell through an all-encompassing geometry as my eyes opened again.

T+03:35 I turned my mood lamp orange and the fan turned into a biblical angel, a mass of wings and blazing eyes. I’m experiencing lots of tracers and repetition of visuals/visual slicing.

T+03:40 peeing is a little harder, but mostly cos I keep getting lost in the faces and characters that are emerging from the floorboard wood grain. My skin and mouth are mostly numb now, but music really helps things along.

T+03:50 really starting to dissolve into my bed. Thinking is harder to do. Feeling pretty out of it. But, I can still understand korean lyrics so I don’t think i’ve gone totally wrong.

T+03:55 beginning to have surroundings warp with my music and breathing. Eyes half working, half not; they’re unfocused, that’s the word. Remembering to document is hard. Kinda wanna just let myself be sucked into this hole. It feels like gravity is increasing a bit. My lips are so numb.

T+04:00 I turned my mood lamp green and it’s like I’m on another planet.

T+04:11 I can’t do the math (for timestamps) anymore, been going in circles of in and out my body and room and universe, every breath brings new visuals warping, there’s a ton of tracers and floaters after every move I make and type. Peeing is a monumental effort. Music is my saving grace.

T+05:01 dissociation dancing in my room, every movement feels novel and sucks me into a new timeframe. It’s like I’m feeling the heartbeat of the universe in my blood and it’s moving me.

T+05:58 back in bed because the increased heart rate of dancing was making me nauseous. Lying here, I went through seemingly endless loops of visuals. Some of my faves include: ceiling fan turns into a blurry hurricane of light and dark with an unforgiving clear eye; everything gets squashed vertically and gets darker; eyes just completely unfocused into a watercolour painting; squinting makes the fan into a futuristic airship flying through coloured clouds; when I close my eyes and then they open again on their own so smoothly like a curtain rising and everything is perfectly saturated and distorted, it feels like the world is reopening; space and the cosmic senate; rifts in the fabric of our dimension; the fan turned into a beating heart with wings; the fan splits in two and reality distorts. As I listen to the music I almost become it, experiencing mini ego deaths every few minutes as I fade into my dreamscape of warped visuals and unwavering audio sanctuary. The music has not once faded away; I can still hear and understand all of it, and sometimes even mouth the words when it’s a song I particularly like. It’s so odd to be so disconnected from your body and visual reality yet be grounded enough for complex thought and higher reasoning. Whenever I’d become aware of my body again it felt like I turned into taffy on a stretcher, my limbs being stretched farther and farther away.

T+06:10 I decided to eat some blueberries to up vitamin c so I can end the trip sooner; while it’s been fun I’m also trying to be kind to my future self and get some sleep. I can’t hardly taste the blueberries, which is hella odd.

T+07:00 I’ve taken some sleep meds and am going to try to sleep. Laying down it feels like my body is only half here, and I’m melting into the mattress. When I open my eyes the mattress warps and bends with me.

T+10:23 woke to pee and felt more capable of human thought/attached to my body than I have in a while, still numb as fuck though.

T+11:37 awake and coming down. Tired af, and kinda photophobic but fine. I think my eyes are just super fucking dry from staring at my fan for hours lol

T+13:02 had to take my car out the drive so mum could escape for work, the thing felt like it was alive. Overall I just feel tired and kind of repetitive in the head, still vaguely numb. Don’t fully trust my sense of touch right now. Taste is still slightly muted but better than eating blueberries lol

T+16:13 woke up out of a dead sleep for my alarm because I have to take my medication and eat food or else I’ll get fucked up. Really just feels like I’ve smoked too much weed last night at this point; I’m drowsy and my body is slightly underperforming. I really don’t feel any dissociation anymore at this point, likely because of my tolerance.

T+17:12 going to go down for another nap. Just fucking tired at this point. Still glad I tripped.

T+17:58 didn’t actually sleep, just rested. Still tired and like I have a much more limited field of vision. I keep shutting my lazy eye even with my glasses on for some reason.

T+18:09 okay weird, for a second I fully believed I was ethnically from India because the low lighting in my room made my skin look darker (I am among the pastiest of white boys). Guess the dissociative effects are still present, just less pronounced and more intermittent.

T+18:18 decided to take a bath on highest heat and the water isn’t as warm feeling as it usually is. Can’t tell whether it’s cos the hot tap is running low or because of sensory dulling. Having some double vision issues without my glasses (kinda normal, but kinda not)

T+18:44 I am close enough to baseline that I don’t feel like documenting any more sparing effects. Basically feel like I’ve had an odd weed trip kinda, body-load wise, and have mild vertigo without the nausea. Tired, but present. I’m looking forward to my next experience with memantine.