Experience:Psilocybin mushrooms (~4.8 g) - A challenging first trip
- Date: 06/2020
- Age: 30
- Sex: Male
- Height: 5'5" / 165 cm
- Weight: 130 lbs / 60 kg
- Misc: First trip, only micro-dosed prior.
~4.8g Psilocybin Mushrooms (Chocolates + Capsules) - A challenging first trip
I took ~4.8 grams of mushrooms total.
Over the prior years, I struggled with mental health issues. Negative self talk, not connecting with people, struggling to be vulnerable, struggles in the workplace, and suicidal ideation for a short time. I over-think things, am not true to my feelings or connecting with myself, and spend more time ruminating about the past/future than actually living my life.
I had researched mushrooms and was extremely interested in them for years. I had obtained some to pre-dose before a retreat, but the trip ended up getting cancelled. I micro-dosed for a few months and really felt like it helped. One evening, somewhat on a whim, I decided to give a full trip a go. I had researched them for years, and thought that there was nothing to do but dive on in. I was tired of waiting. My set and setting seemed good, I was in a good mindset, I knew what to expect.
I learned the hard way. This was an incredibly humbling experience. My set and setting wasn't fine, and that cascaded 10-fold through the entire trip.
I pop a 1.6 g chocolate. Fool around on my computer. Try to find a trip playlist (should have prepped).
Not feeling much. Worried that the chocolates may have lost their potency (sitting in a drawer for 4 months). Take a second 1.6 g chocolate.
Decide that 3.2 may not get me the full trip that I desire. Pop the rest of my micro-dosing capsules. Some have the air seal broken, most don't. Guesstimate that this is ~1.6 g or so, assuming a few capsules are not potent anymore due to oxidation.
Over the next hour I slip deeper in to the trip. It immediately becomes clear that my set and setting is far, far off from where it should be. This dark room starts to creak and groan. The wall make noises, I need to protect myself from them. They might close in and overtake me. The AC unit is behind a wall on the other end, it sounds like a monster who might bust through and consume me. The bathroom toilet water starts filling up the leaky bowl. I've never heard that noise before but I know I MUST turn it off, or else my trip will get even worse.
I get up to go shut the water off to the toilet, and immediately realize that was a terrible idea. My body is wavy, everything is curved and spinning. Quickly get back in to bed before I the next cliff comes.
I had taken my headphones off and on about 10 times. Play some music, don't like the music, take headphones off, room is terrifying, must escape the room as it made the not-yet-peaked trip 10x worse. Find a song that I like and set it on repeat. It's about damage control at this point. I should have found music before hand, as I'm now desperate to find something I like before the trip really comes on. The music helps shield me from the horrors of the room. Eye covers go on.
Some time later
I get catapulted in to the reality of psychedelic trips. Vivid, colorful hallucinations are all I can see. My consciousness feels like it expanded and I see how little I am. The hallucinations become angry and advance towards me. The only thing I can do is look inward and try to solve the problem that the mushrooms are trying to show me. I make a couple connections and the hallucinations become less angry and back off slightly.
I realize how scared I am, and how I feel the need to control things when I feel this way.I try to let this go.
Hallucinations are in full force now. Weird visions, shapes, dragons, colors, come in and out of my vision. Sometimes symmetrical, sometimes not. I start moving my body to the rhythm of the music and the hallucination, we are dancing together now. This feels good. Nothing existential is going on, but I'm tripping hard and trying to sink in to the experience. My chest and breathing feel tight. I have to concentrate on my breathing. I'm barely aware of my surroundings.
The next cliff
The visions start to dissolved and move inside my body. I'm no longer aware of anything else. I can see all the soft tissue in my body, feel the pulse of everything working together. I see darkened tissue where the bad tissue / sports injuries are. I realize that my quest to heal from all these injuries I have may not come to fruition. I feel existentially dissapointed, but am also still in some denial. I don't fully accept that yet, just see it with a little more clarity.
The final cliff
My body dissolves. I can't feel it anymore. This is where things get really terrifying. I'm only aware of my quickly dissolving 'self'/ego, and the torrent of my negative sub-conscious that I fear will overwhelm me if I surrender to it. There are only swirls of bright colors that completely overtake my vision. That, and my infinity small 'self' are the only things that remain. I feel so distant from everything I know. I start thinking about how this isn't what I wanted, not what I hoped to get. The dissolution of the ego (I have not reached it fully - and will not this trip) is a terrifying experience. I want to call out to people I love and ask them to sit next next to me, hold my hand. But the negative setting and my negative self-talk are almost overwhelming. I'm able to avoid slipping in to self-loathing, because I know deep down this will end and that maybe there is hope for a better future. But part of sub-conscious is so stubborn that I fear I may not be able to get through it. I just want a good life. That's what I've been working towards and it always eludes me. I want to cry, I just want to live a fulfilling life and feel energized and connected with friends and family.
I see my place in life. How many friends I've lost, my struggles in therapy. The fact that I'm going through a rough life transition and feel adrift. And I'm in a scary dark room by myself tripping on psychedelics, humbled and terrified by their power - and also seeing the stigma of what I've turned to in my desperation. I just want the trip to end.
I try to hang on to what I've learned. As scary and challenging as the trip is, I've come away with some minor insight. It's not nearly the full blown therapeutic benefits that I hoped for, but even in dark moments, I saw the mushrooms' potential to heal and to help. I know that if I do this again, the right way, I can break through more barriers. But I understand that this time has not gone as I hoped. I've learned a little bit, saw their power, and hope to do this again.
Some time later I quickly snap out of the body de-realization. I can start to feel myself again. I have six arms. My bed sheets and objects around me are part of me. It's like my body has grown in to its surroundings and everything is intertwined. I feel heavy and can barely move. The room is dark, and the noises still scare me. But I'm quickly regaining consciousness and know that I'm on the downhill. I get teary eyed.
I'm scared of what this experience may mean for me. What I learned, what I wasn't able to do, and the terrifying realization of just how far I have to go in my life to right the ship. It won't be easy, and I'm left unsure if my future may truly get any brighter.
I need to do this again with a loving and caring guide, somewhere where I feel loved, safe, and cared for. I did not do this trip right by a long shot.
I continue to come down. I just want this to end and get back to normal life. I continue to hold on to what I learned, wanting to scrap together a few things from the trip, however minor.
I was happy, scared, terrified, and humbled. Most of what I learned on this trip came at the second-to-last 'high', and I don't think I need to do upwards of 5g next time. I would like to make sure I really get my set and setting right, have a guide, and do 3-4g next time.
I saw their power, and saw how much farther I have to go to heal.
Submitted by New explorer