Experience:Unknown dosage / 1 tabs - Prolonged unity and messiah syndrome at school
- Age: 18
- Gender: Female
- Dosage: 1 tab of 25I-NBOMe
- Setting: School
Prolonged unity + messiah syndrome
I took one tab of Nbome at school. First of all I went to gym class - it was swimming, which was pretty fun, but the substance itself didn't really hit me until I was naked in the changing room shower with all these girls who were freshman. I was a junior, so this created a weird feeling for some reason. On top of this it was winter, I had forgotten my towel, I had just shaved my head, I had yellow paint on my face, I was the only person in the room who doesn't shave her legs or armpits, and because of this it was just weird vibes all around. Despite all of this, however, I still felt a strange sense of family with these kids. A common feeling that often happens while I am tripping.
I was staring in the mirror and suddenly became really confused. I almost went into a panic because I couldn't remember what was going on, so I calmed down by simply telling myself "it's OK, you're going to English class now, everything is OK and you are just at school". I succeeded in calming myself down and went to English class, which is across the street as our school is on two different sides of the road. It was in English class that it really hit me; we were reading a poem about how man is disconnected from nature and I couldn't separate colors as separate objects. I would look down at my paper and everything around me would blend into this colored pattern. I looked around me and noticed that everybody looked like these really weird animals, and I mean humans really are just animals anyway. It also seemed that everybody was acting so much colder, harder and less affectionate than they really felt.
After this I had art class, I was trying to draw this picture of trees but the trees kept just transforming into a kaleidoscopic eyeball pattern thing and which made it very hard. I was talking to this girl who I don't really like because she talks so much and always interrupts me, but we had a good conversation and I was feeling a lot of love for people. She seemed like a wounded animal to me, afraid to open up for fear of being injured and I was trying to get her to feel comfortable and secure. We had a good conversation about the Beatles.
That was my last class of the day and once school had finished a good friend suggested that we go to the race and diversity club. I agreed so we walked across the street towards the club, but as I was crossing I saw a former teacher of mine and for some reason this triggered a vision - despite the fact that up until this point I had been coming down. As soon as it hit me, it was as if time had stopped; I saw a street sign, then the city I live in (Lakewood), the state of Ohio, then America, the world, the solar system, the universe, and finally I saw something which I had previously seen in another trip but since forgotten about.
This was a vision of positive and negative energy expanding outwards and into each other to form neutral-nothing-nirvana. The only way I could describe it would be: imagine a black backdrop, the black backdrop is nothing, nothing exists there, then there are 2 white spheres; one is the opposite of the other, not really sure how you could tell, but I just knew they were opposites. A fountain-shaped, wispy web-like structure emerges from the white spheres, like they are drops of food coloring in water, going in opposite directions. They expand infinitely, in very complex directions, then once they have gone as far out as they will go (which is forever, ironically), they loop around and head back to the center, where the opposite energies neutralize each other, and everything goes back to black.
I came back into reality and though "HOLY SHIT" to myself. I hadn't remembered this vision until then but it seemed that tripping had brought back memories of really intense experiences that I had previously forgotten, due to drug-induced amnesia. As well as my brain blocking out traumatic experiences from it.
We eventually made it to the room where race and diversity club is held, and all I could think of is how we are all the same person. I didn't hallucinate that we were all connected visually or anything, but I was living with the complete reality that everyone around me was a part of a giant, fractured psyche. It was almost like I was a person with multiple personality disorder realizing that all these people that exist are also ME and it was my job, with this knowledge, to put us all back together. I realized that I was supposed to do this by loving and accepting everyone with a strong sense of urgency.
If you were to imagine going up to a person you really love and saying "I love you", and when they say it back nonchalantly, say it really seriously, like "no I LOVE" you, and just keep saying it and meaning it over and over until something kinda clicks inside of you and you both would most likely begin begin to cry or writhe in ecstasy, or your souls fall out your asses and join in the cosmos. This is essentially what I felt that I had to do with everyone and what I had to get them to do with everyone else. It felt as if doing this would result in us all becoming progressively more abstract until we all reached a single unified point.
Throughout all of this I had to acknowledge, think about, accept, and love all bad things about people. I understood that I would have to imagine the person nude, think about all their sexual organs, think about them pooping, peeing, screaming, all the ways they are greedy, all their imperfections including ones they might not even be able to help, brain damage, all social awkwardness, the ways they have been stunted, the plaque on their teeth, their bodily scars, and the event that caused those scars, their misconceptions and delusions, and all the ways they hurt others. I would have to LOVE the fuck all of those things about them, as well as all good things. Everybody around me began to take the form of fucked up cartoons. I knew that had to love them all, I wanted to and I did but it was scary and wonderful. I didn't speak a word the whole meeting, except when someone asked me why I wasn't talking. I don't remember what I said.
After this I went to Subway with my two best friends, one with whom I can be silly, and one with whom I can be serious, which was a very good combination of 2 people. Once we were there the silly friend got up to get a drink I whispered to the serious one, "I have something really important I need to tell you". I proceeded to tell her about my experience and that we were all the same person, but she simply told me she was glad that I had a religious experience. This immediately killed my thoughts on telling her what I was feeling because I realized she didn't really understand what I was trying to tell her, which was that it's my job to put the universe back together because I know that it needs to be put back together. It was the knowledge that made it my job, as in the fact that I had that knowledge made it my responsibility. I just thought for some reason she would understand what I was saying or want to understand and want to help, but she didn't.
This led onto feelings of alienation because I felt that I was the only person who really understood what I was trying to say and do, which gave me a feeling of responsibility and importance. It was after this that I started to become extremely religious on a delusional level, and not necessarily in a traditional sense. I developed my own religion, my gods being people who I had visions about during another trip; four friends, my mother, father, and myself. I started wearing a mala one of those friends had given me and created a symbol that I tattooed onto my hand. Its a circle surrounded by 8 dots; the circle being a circle around nothing, making nothing something, the dots being the something separated into separate things, concepts etc.
I vowed to love everyone with nothing in return, be nice to everyone, and got rid of so many of my material possessions (which I still don't regret). I decorated myself every day in the way that was exactly as I wanted to present myself, or as close as I could come to it. I barely ever spoke and when I did it was mostly to ask questions. I never turned down a request for a favour, I started volunteering on weekends, I was never at my house, I always seemed to be dirty, cold and hungry as I never took time to rest. I got sick a lot, I ended up sleeping outside a lot for various reasons, and I can't even remember parts of my winter.
The unity lasted for about a month or two, but step by step it slowly faded with each new concept and realization that I experienced. It wasn't a fast come down, it lasted a few months. The first month was solid unity. After two months I was still pretty up there, I was completely psychotic and convinced that I was a religious martyr but could not really place why. After three months I progressed a few more steps, I realized that I wasn't a modern day Jesus but I was still up on a moral pedestal. After the next couple months I started getting into a serious state of anger because I feel like I have been doing everything I could but no one knew or appreciated it, and started feeling very depressed and alone. By the end of the spring to fall I had slipped into a deep depression. I lost connections to people who are very important to me, gave up helping people, start taking stolen Xanex and drinking alcohol, which finally knocked me off my moral pedestal. At this point I now place myself on the same moral level as those around me (thank god for that), and started getting back into reality more and more. I am still not back into the same reality as everyone else I feel but I feel as though I am getting there.
Feel free to ask as many questions as you need.
- Were you one with god or just the universe? Did you feel one with the creation of the universe or just as it is in its present form? I hope that makes sense.
I felt one with the creation of the universe, but not in that moment. In that moment I had a flashback of the time that I was one with the creation of the universe, which was the first trip report. In that moment I felt one with the universe, as it's in its present form, which is why the unity lasted so long, probably because I didn't have to be hallucinating to know it, or feel it, see it, etc. It was right there in front of me all the time - still is - I still know and can sometime still get close to that state of mind, which can be useful but also scary and sad, depending on what I am observing. Like I know the whole universe is connected to me but consciousness is experiencing the universe through Rebecca's eyes during this unity, so it sees the examples of how everything is playing out through her eyes, like how bad things that have happened negatively effect people I am close to, how they are all related, what caused them, what cause those things, how it can be fixed, and feeling the emotional pain that those around me are feeling because of whatever the matter at hand is. And just loving that person and feeling their pain because they are me, consciousness feels that pain because it's in all of us, therefore Rebecca feels that pain because consciousness is in her, that's how we are all connected, all you have to do is turn it on. I had to figure out how to turn it off for a minute to gather my thoughts and get my life straight.
Submitted by - H0bcnd2
- Transformations - "noticed that everybody looked like these really weird animals" "I was trying to draw this picture of trees but the trees kept just transforming into a kaleidoscopic eyeball pattern thing"
- Outrospection - "She seemed like a wounded animal to me, afraid to open up for fear of being injured"
- Internal hallucination - "this triggered a vision"
- Unity and interconnectedness - "all I could think of is how we are all the same person" " I was living with the complete reality that everyone around me was a part of a giant, fractured psyche. It was almost like I was a person with multiple personality disorder realizing that all these people that exist are also ME" "The unity lasted for about a month or two"
- Spirituality enhancement and Delusions - "I started to become extremely religious on a delusional level"