Experience:2.5g Peganum Harmala + 250µg LSD - Ecstasy of Love and Misanthropy

T+00m

The sun is hot on my head, I’m still pretty stimulated from the dab a little bit ago, these tabs in my mouth feel weird. By this point I’ve made it out of the park, it felt too crowded, and I’m shaking a bit from a mixture of potent anticipation and wondering regret. It’s odd, I want the insanity, but I am afraid of fear, which I understand to be unhelpful in the appreciation of my own brain.

Walking down the brightly lit neighbourhoods, the trees are beautiful in the breeze, and I can smell the sizzling of the air. Feelings of the summer flood my veins, oh how wonderful it is to be here, living this, to see the sun again! I can feel my sticky palms and sweaty brow, but I keep walking around. For some stupid reason I’ve brought my backpack along, it’s heavy with my two laptops, what was I thinking?

After some wandering, I find myself back in the park, I’ve been talking to people on IRC, noting the surprising rapidness of the onset. I can feel my addled muscles tensing and untensing as the rush of LSD pulses through me. The sensation is unstable, but my movements are pure, and I feel in control. It’s as if someone has turn the brightness up, I don’t remember the air being so saturated, the smell of grass and sweat, my tea breath and the wafting odor of my soap. Upon the grass I sit, beneath a tree, which yields shade and an opulent view of the thriving park. The joint is hard to light, but I manage somehow, and the smoke seems to not even touch my throat. As it drifts out, the colors breathe brighter, the air thickens into crisp snaps of sensation on my cheeks. My god, this is paradise. Porter Robinson’s “Sad Machine” blares into my head from my headphones, I am consumed in remembering the terror and the ecstasy of addiction. Visuals are picking up, and I feel more unstable, it’s so hot out here, maybe I should walk home?

(Disclaimer: At this point, the effects tipped into a very drastic state of intensity, and I am not totally sure of the exact chain of events that followed during the peak. As I recall, much of it was spent in reeling agony and ecstasy on my bed, couch, kitchen floor, and living room floor. I will attempt to relay the proceeding events as I can best recall, the time stamps will be iffy.)

T+45m

Walking home is strange, because I don’t want to take the normal way. For some reason home feels like a sentence, and I understand that when I am there it will likely be long till I see the light of day again. Geometry is blinding, flashy, and not fluid. Similar to the movements with DMT, as I walk in one direction and stare in that way, the world stretching out before me magnifies in a stop motion manner, increasing in size gradually, until it has consumed my entire vision. From there, the structure’s internal webs pulse from the centre to the circumference, self mirroring until they eventually weave stable and intricate animations. Unfortunately, I can’t focus to save my life. Strolling down some street near my place, there is a large and orange bug on a white van. I stare at it, wow, nature, and it becomes very close in my vision. For an eternal moment it stands, motionless in the sunlight, and then flies away. WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK. I find myself jumping into the air, visibly startled by the bug. Oh, so I’m at that point again. I’ve been here before, at what I assume to have been 450µg of LSD on a previous afternoon of cosmic fuckery. It was likely best that I go home, but first I will continue my venture. I continue around the neighbourhood, suddenly I’ve stumbled upon a little box with a face drawn on it. There are a number of these around the city, used for exchanging books for free. Most of them say “Take one, leave one,” but this one is unmarked. It opens its mouth, blinks its eyes at me. I’m flabbergasted. “What?” I ask it, and it stares at me, waving back and forth. Coast is clear, alright, I’m going in. I wrench open the door, stick my hand in, nothing happens. Uh, ok. I pull it out, close it, and walk home. That was enough outside.

T+1:20

Finally home, it’s crazy in here. Everything is swaying in and out. I haven’t changed clothes yet, magically. I try to calm down in my apartment, realising that I am actually very overwhelmed. It is incredibly physically stimulating, I am sweating profusely, and my heart is pounding in my chest. I turn on my fan, unbutton my shirt, and sit back, trying to breathe in deep and evenly.

It's difficult, I'm uncomfortable, everything is swimming around my head. The last thing I want to do is take this at an unpleasant pace, but I'm finding the intensity to be unrelenting. My wooden floor looks orange, how clean it is in here, I must have done this. It's interesting, how prepared I was for this whole thing, and now how blown away I feel, I was never really ready for this. Moving is difficult, I feel off kilter, my gate is uneven as I teeter around my apartment, trying to prepare myself for things, but I don't know what I'm preparing for, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. What am I even meant to do when tripping? I'm so confused. Why? Probably because drugs. I am searching, perpetually, for some sort of finality, and this desire anchors me to looping repeatedly over a fevered search for the the action that will FINALLY satisfy me.

At this point stimulation has reached an intensity I am not used to, I can't tell if it's uneven or just overwhelming, my body feels addled and my brain is equally so, back and forth I rock from wonder and terror. My walls are circular, the bookcase is squirming as the words inside the books grow restless from being caged up in their papyrus prisons. I know my books were intentionally placed backwards, but at the moment I am unable to grasp why. I am in dismay, the world has tricked me. I turn.

Before me, my living room, my computer, my monitors, all squirming with discomfort, as my own radiated through me into the room. My TV. Yes. Of course. THIS is the thing that will bring calm to my storm. I can recall the visualiser I have relied on before, and allow my instincts to take control. Maneuvering YouTube on my phone is odd, my vision is severely impaired as every central point of my focus expands a world of mismatched shapes. As the central point is continually focused upon, the overlay seems to split into two parts that drift in opposite directions. I'm staring at my door, it looks nice, the right half of my visual field is bulging towards me, and the left is bulging away from me, creating a con(vex/cave) dichotomy. From my speakers is playing Burial's "Untrue," my vision is wobbling in and out, the pace is picking up, blurring and continuing to increase in discernible complexity, until all around me my room has been turned into a universe wrought by hurricanes. Nothing is still, my world is exploding with every passing breath, I am unthinking, unfeeling, silent, I am part of my apartment as all the atoms shake and bleed into each other. Around me grows a world of green and pink, the door digitises into golden hallways that tunnel deep into my sockets, taking my understanding and presenting it directly in front of me. I am terrified, it is not safe, not friendly, the self that I have been shown, this world, it is unearthly and threatening. I understand nothing before me, but it is me, why don't I understand? I am afraid, though, what am I afraid of? Me. I am afraid of me.

I am not safe with me.

I'm afraid of what's inside. Whoa.

So here I am, with the light shining on my demons. Nothing is alright, I am not stable. The whirlwind of uncertainty inside of me, by now, has permeated into my headspace,

Submitted by - Phantasmagoria

• Muscle spasms - "I can feel my addled muscles tensing and untensing "
• Emotion enhancement - "I am overcome with love"
• Geometry - "Geometry is blinding, flashy, and not fluid."
• Time distortion - "For an eternal moment it stands, motionless in the sunlight"
• External hallucination - "It opens its mouth, blinks its eyes at me. I’m flabbergasted. “What?” I ask it, and it stares at me, waving back and forth."
• Drifting - "Everything is swaying in and out."
• Stimulation - "At this point stimulation has reached an intensity I am not used to"
• Anxiety - "I am terrified, it is not safe"