Experience:45mg 2cc & 45mg 4-aco-dmt - Ego death and loneliness

Most of the memories of my trip are gone, but I can remember a few things that I saw and felt on my trip.

At around 1 pm I swallowed a capsule containing the powder and got into bed and watched a few YouTube videos to pass the time with my come up. Within about 30 minutes or so I already started to feel stimulated, so I decided to stop watching YouTube, lay down in the dark and to begin my trip.

When I closed my eyes and concentrated I was met with really detailed visuals. I saw what looked like some kind of sweet shop but the whole scene was overlaid with bright colors and snowflake shaped fractals. I could hear what sounded like circus music and children laughing. This began my first shift of my ego. The scene I was seeing made my feel young like a child, although I was still aware of myself I still felt like a different person.

I decided to get up at this point and take in my surroundings in my room and see what kind of visuals I would see in my room. I turned my light on and saw that my room was slowly growing and shrinking as if it was breathing. After taking in these visuals, I decided to lay back down in bed in the dark again. When I closed my eyes, it looked like I was in some furniture store though it was pretty empty. The whole scene was pretty neutral in color.

I sat up in my bed and my view in the scene changed too. If I moved my head around in real life I had some minor control over where I looked in the trip. I managed to look down and I saw my feet in the trip. I tried moving them in the trip and nothing happened. After concentrating really hard and telling my legs to move I managed to force them to walk. After I took one step I felt extremely proud of myself, as if I had never walked before then.

After this happening, I managed to make my vision go black, and I wanted to see how much control I had over what I was seeing. I tried visualizing a door, instead of seeing a door something entirely different manifested. What I saw was some Asian themed room. The walls were red and in the room were vats of some unknown liquid and a few bags with some symbols on. I looked down at my feet and saw my body dressed in some robe that made me think I was some emperor. The scene slowly morphed into what looked like a throne room.

The next part of my trip is something I can't remember. The come up was the time from the "sweet shop, " and the "throne room, " but the memories between the end up the come up to my full on the peak are gone.

My memory of the peak is very broken up, I only remember specific parts that seemed to have stood out to me. These are in no particular order. All the peak visuals I saw were full on environments. I could look around freely and no matter where I looked I saw something. It was as if it was a very detailed and intense lucid dream that I had no control over.

The night club
This scene was exactly this. A night club. It had music, neon lighting, and music playing. The catch was I was "alone." People were speaking to me and welcoming me there, but I couldn't see a single person.

Eternal Loneliness
As I mentioned with 'the night club', I couldn't see anybody. This frustrated me as I fixated on this issue. I tried looking for somebody. I managed to look through multiple environments calling out for friends of mine, even trying to find myself or somebody who could give me an explanation for what was happening to me. This whole scenario was the main reason my trip started to take a turn for the worse as I was too fixated on what I considered a very negative thing.

Ego death and becoming water.
At some point my ego completely faded away. I was floating in some kind of colorful fractal void and calling out "who am i". At first I told myself "I am Matthew" but it didn't feel right. It was as if I was saying a name that I had no attachment too. I tried looking at my hands and I couldn't see anything. It was as if I didn't even exist anymore. I tried making sense of this by putting all the information I knew together to form a conclusion. Because I was floating, had no concept of being a person and couldn't see myself I came to the conclusion that I was a body of water.

Regaining consciousness and fighting against death.
As the peak started to end I managed to see reality again. I could barely see my room as it was overlaid with fractals, but I could make out basic shapes. Each time I blinked I was met with an environment constructed of fractals, though they were immensely beautiful I kept associating them with negativity. I kept trying to regain control of my mind but as I was still tripping it this was next to impossible. My understanding of time itself made no sense. I was unaware of the flow of time and only knew about the present, this stopped me realizing that in time the trip will end and I was convinced the trip would be eternal.

This negativity led me to my first panic attack. My only thought was that I was going to die in my bed. I kept fighting against this, and at times I almost gave up before I refused to let death win. After managing to focus and breathe carefully, the panic attack managed to end.

The final thought loop.
When lying in bed I tried to collect my mind, but as I was still tripping my mind created a thought loop. I can't remember fully what it was about, but I was well aware of it being a thought loop. The issue is, my awareness of the thought loop became part of the loop itself. I tried telling myself to stop looping, but I was immediately met with the loop continuing which eventually went back around to me telling the loop to stop and so on.

The loop started to take a nosedive, and negativity started to build up again. This lead to another panic attack. I was shaking and couldn't speak properly. Because of the attack I was convinced that I hard permanently given myself brain damage and was having a seizure (I also thought at times I was having a stroke and a fit). I almost ended up calling an ambulance or getting my parents to help me, but luckily I did not.

After about 30 minutes of this, I managed to put some music on and watch YouTube just to force my mind to focus on something else. After a few minutes of this, the panic attack ended, and I managed to calm down. I then managed to get to sleep.

Submitted by WinterXYZ

• Stimulation - "I already started to feel stimulated"
• Internal hallucination - " I saw what looked like some kind of sweet shop" "When I closed my eyes it looked like I was in some kind of furniture store though it was pretty empty" "I saw was some kind of Asian themed room. The walls were red and in the room were vats of some unknown liquid and a few bags with some symbols on. I looked down at my feet and saw my body dressed in some kind of robe that made me think I was some kind of emperor. The scene slowly morphed into what looked like a throne room."
• Geometry - "the whole scene was overlaid with bright colors and snowflake shaped fractals" "I could barely see my room as it was overlaid with fractals"
• Auditory hallucination - "I could hear what sounded like circus music and children laughing."
• Drifting - "my room was slowly growing and shrinking as if it was breathing"
• Ego death - "At some point my ego completely faded away." "It was as if I didn't even exist anymore."
• Delusion - "I came to the conclusion that I was a body of water." "I was convinced the trip would be eternal." "I was convinced that I hard permanently given myself brain damage and was having a seizure"
• Thought loops - "my awareness of the thought loop became part of the loop itself."
• Anxiety - "This negativity led me to my first panic attack." "negativity started to build up again. This lead to another panic attack."